Yellow Belly

A 2012-2013 Yellowbook phone directory arrived on our doorstep last weekend. Unbidden. Unwanted. It was encased in a yellow plastic bag. Unfriendly.

After staring at the lump for a few days, tonight I finally just tossed the book in the paper recycle bin. Good thing, because the plastic bag has a recycle message on it. The message asks us to recycle our outdated phone books and directs us to their website where we can find more information about recycling. The message also asks us to return the plastic bag to a participating store for recycling.

Do you suppose anyone at Yellowbook has taken the time to appreciate the great irony of their product? A paper phone directory produced from so many felled trees, immediately condemned to the waste pile, and a plastic bag wrapper destined to choak a turtle or a seagull sometime soon. Not to mention the gas to be consumed and the air to be contaminated while driving my plastic bag to a store for recycling.

Why on this green earth does anyone need a paper phone book any more? The answer is that most people, particularly those of us handcuffed to our smart phones and/or tablets and/or laptops, don't.

Wouldn't it make all the marketing sense in the world for Yellowbook to poll its catchment area to determine who wants paper phone books and who doesn't? It would be way more efficient -- financially and environmentally -- to offer an opt-in program for anyone who still likes to lick their fingertips and literally thumb through the pages.

The rest of us can stick to doing what we do best - surfing the internet for whatever product or service we need, whenever we need it.

#2

Next on my list of Stuff We Really Shouldn't Have to Deal With... Pre-recorded customer service messages that hold you hostage with sales pitches before solving the problem you called about in the first place. Since when did customer service come to mean sell me more stuff I don't need and didn't ask for? What genius decided that the best way to customers' hearts is to PISS THEM OFF by making them suffer through an interminable plea for their money? Any enterprise that thinks putting their own need to generate revenue before the customer's need to be serviced is an enterprise destined to lose my business. Listen up, Kohls.

#1

I read an article in the Times not long ago speculating about whether the American public is crankier than usual these days. I'm not feeling especially cranky, but I have to admit that the small, easily correctable or avoidable stuff is really starting to get on my nerves. So here goes #1 on my personal Top 10 List of Stuff We Really Shouldn't Have to Deal With.

DOCTOR'S OFFICE WAITING ROOMS.

We've all experienced that particular brand of torture laughingly known as the doctor's appointment. Dictionary.com defines appointment as:
1.a fixed mutual agreement for a meeting; engagement:

2.a meeting set for a specific time or place.

 

When's the last time you had a doctor's appointment that fit this description?

 

Last Friday, I flew out of my office, leaving myriad details of my work day in disarray, in order to make a 1:15 appointment down the road. Foolishly, I failed to call ahead to determine whether the doctor was running on time (hah!) and exactly how long a wait I would be expected to endure.Since the error in foresight was mine, I broke my standard personal rule and agreed to wait up to 45 minutes. 45 minutes later, the lady who had been waiting 2 hours was finally called to occupy one of the several treatment rooms, where I was positive she would continue to wait - but without her clothes, virtually trapping her there. (sidebar: I once got up from an exam table, got dressed, and took my records and my business elsewhere from a doctor I had been seeing for 20 years).

 

I decided on the spot to leave and reschedule, although the next available "appointment" was not until the end of February. But this time I took the first appointment of the day, and I fully intend to arrive ahead of schedule to beat out anyone else with the same strategy. 

The real question, of course, is not whether we'll win the waiting game, but why we need to play it at all. If everyone ran their businesses that way, nothing would ever get done.

I propose a new rule that would level the playing field a bit. For every 15-minute increment I spend in the waiting room past my appointed time, I will bill the doctor the same rate I bill my clients.That's probably the only prescription that would cure this particular ill.

Merger Mania

It's bad enough being cut off on the road, but when a driver pulls directly in front of you when the road behind you is wide open - not a car in sight - it makes me want to turn on my fake police turret and pull them over for a dose of what for.  Or better yet, hit the button on my pop-up ASSHOLE sign spelled backwards, so the offending driver can read it loud and clear in their rearview.

But seriously, why do people do that? What is that triggers the decision in their pea-sized brains that tells them it is better to slam on the accelerator and speed into moving traffic at the first sliver of opening, rather than wait an extra 2 seconds and join the line safely once oncoming traffic has passed? It's another story if there is a lot of traffic and you need to merge in. But if there are just a handful of cars on the road, there's simply no reason to be so aggressive and spike everyone's blood pressure.  Especially since I'm not going to slow down just because you decided to jump in front of me. I'm going to keep up my pace, and if that means you have to ride with my nose up your ass, that's your problem. Wouldn't you rather not?

Don't Keep Me Hanging

Today's annoyance: customer service people and appointment schedulers who keep you hanging on the line while they try to (a) locate their file on you, or (b) figure out why their system is not showing a record of you. I don't care about your operational logistics! I don't have time to hang on while you debug your system. Write down my information the old fashioned way - with a chisel if necessary - and enter into your system after we've concluded our call.Or, take my phone number and call me back when you're ready to service me without a hold time.

Copy Editing Koch

Newsday's copy editors are falling down on the job again. Today's op ed by former NYC Mayor Ed Koch was full of wisdom and almost as many typos. I spotted about six on the first read. It's not like copy editors are hard to come by. In this economy, I would bet that good copy editors are about as hard to find as the typos in Mayor Koch's missive.